Transitions.

Open: Shut

Of all the beginnings and endings making their way into and out of your life; what are you responsible for? 

Are you the one who’s always opening the door or shutting it?

Exhaustion: Honesty

I’ve gotten to that point where I start to consider what this means to you more than what it means to me. Mostly because I can guess at your feelings better than I can define my own. As wrong as that feels and as much as I don’t want it to be the case, it is. I wish this were just a cheap ploy for attention because I know how to fix that, but it isn’t and there’s no attention to receive. I post my thoughts on this blog because I know that most people who read them don’t care and even if they do it doesn’t really matter.

Part of me wants to end up in your bed tucked between the soft sheets and the heavy comforter. I really want to lie together without having to kiss or have sex or try to decide what the other person feels/wants/thinks. I crave a single moment where I can exist in the same space with another person and just shut down. I don’t want to see or think or feel. I want to crawl beneath the covers and just be there with someone else. To exist for a little while without having to try so hard.

That’s what I want.

9,131.05497 days

On Wednesday I turned 25 quietly and without much fuss or expectation. I celebrated by skipping the typical go out and get drunk activities that most everyone seems to favor. I went on a date instead. First to a nice China bistro and then to her house for some wine and a movie.

So what changed between 24 and 25? Was there a lesson tucked away between those chapters? Yes.

I learned that it’s okay to work through the feeling of wondering without being sure where your destination is. I’ve learned that vague ambition and underdeveloped destinations are better than nothing, but it’s better to be more involved. I learned that letting people go is sometimes easier than keeping them around.

It became increasingly important for me to remind myself to not get lost in the detail and keep better track of the larger picture.

As things stand I turned 25 while I was weighting potential outcomes and trying to decide what I wanted to invest in. I realized that I have toggled between immediacy and long term goals and I started summer with nothing to look forward to in the near future.

I’m deciding what I want to look forward to.